Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
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