I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
Randomize
