sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
He would only do it doggy style. The "he's probably gay" debate rages on...
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
