I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
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