Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
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