My sheets look like a crime scene.
hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
Randomize
