WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
I really want to sleep with her friend. I'm hoping our casual sex relationship will somehow lead to that.
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
Randomize
