My t9 writes chubies instead of bitches.
either way. win, win.
i kno its fucked up..but id rather sleep it off than seek medical attention right now
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
Randomize
