i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
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