I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
Randomize
