So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
I was topless in his bathroom sink taking bong rips , goodmorning . He told me he could get use to this
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
