my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
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