Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
Redeem this text for a blowjob
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
It happened to me once. But i washed off in a duck pond and walked home naked.
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
Randomize
