Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
Not even desperate vagina wants small cock.
Glad to hear you raised your standards
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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