There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
