Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
Who died my cat blue again?
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
Randomize
