My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
yes, too bad my tears were being wiped away by tits in my face
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
i sucked his cock and got snuggles in return. I'm the mother Theresa of giving in a relationship.
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
Randomize
