i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
I need a light and a towel. ive got cum in places ive never had cum before.
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
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