So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
