im insabelyl wasted and diont know if ill yexyed tou. call me
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
Randomize
