yeah I know. she is a stupid fat trailer trash bitchwhore and I hate her
but when she came up to me in the bar I had to be all like "OMG HEYYY how are you, I haven't seen you in foreverrrrr!!"
but for the record, yeah, I hope she gets mauled by a bear and dies
Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
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