In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
Brutal- a couple weeks back I had a 28 hr blackout and four day hangover. S'why I decided to haul it in
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
i want to find a way to basically assault his face with my vagina.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
Randomize
