I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
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