My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
Randomize
