sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
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