You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
