There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
My dick has a subreddit
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
Randomize
