I will die if light touches me.
Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
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