So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
i failed horribly. studying for that final was as pointless as Vinnie is to Jersey Shore
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
Judging by what she did last night, I would say at least 4 of them have mono now.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
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