I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
Randomize
