College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
Hands down, the girl passed out in the bathroom was the best looking. Concious or not.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
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