in pain and im wearing pink underwear
so?
i dont own pink underwear
she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
Randomize
