Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Randomize
