Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
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