im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
I want her autograph on my taint
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
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