Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
And just as he was about to come, he screamed "Oh Christy!!"
What's wrong with that? Your name IS christy.
He then said, "Oh shit, sorry Julie."
pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
Call me pathetic, but saying "tits for ireland" is working out really well on chatroulette today.
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
Randomize
