Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
