sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
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