Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
Randomize
