can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
Ps can u get with my cousin? He's a freshman at uconn and he's very attractive but like were related....
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