i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
