apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
i can't decided whether the fact that her nipples are bigger then her palms is a problem or not
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
she is like a cock bee. instead of going from flower to flower she goes from cock to cock
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
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