Heybabeimwearingurpanties
can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Randomize
