So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
His legs actually look hot in that dress. He might even make a better girl than Josh
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
Randomize
