I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
if you wouldnt have been fucking me hard and crazy like that then my bed wouldn't have broke. you owe me 600.
so you admit it was good then??
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
Randomize
