i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
My password hint says "not sunset, also facebook." i need to stop doing computer things while high. I will never figure this clue out.
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
Randomize
