I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
