Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
it's sunday funday. and also, who can outslut the other day.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
Randomize
