i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
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