I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
i get of class at 4. it takes me 17 minutes to walk home and 3 to load a bowl. thank you, priority registration.
He got tattooed, peirced, and we're pretty sure he got rufeed by that fat chick. He was like a walking spring break stereotype.
No it was after you showed us his fraternaty letters shaven out of your pubes
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
Randomize
